


worth everything

by orphan_account



Category: Heathers (1988), Heathers: The Musical - Murphy & O'Keefe
Genre: Bulimia, F/F, GAY GAY GAY, Ill stop - Freeform, Triggers, chan is kinda rly nice ???, duke hates herself, my writing is bad dont read this, so are titles, tags are hard tbh, they are HOMOSEXUALS, trans!duke
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-19
Updated: 2017-04-19
Packaged: 2018-10-20 23:25:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,269
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10672950
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: TW- eating disorders ! !chandler makes a very disturbing discovery.





	worth everything

**Author's Note:**

> tw!!!!! eating disorders !!!!! please, do not read this if you have any type of eating disorder. if you do, please get some help.  
> stay safe, kiddos !!!!!!

Heather Chandler had never been one to worry too much about her friends. Well, not  _friends,_ more like royal subjects, but either way, she was never too worried about what McNamara and Duke had going on in their personal lives.

That was until Chandler had stepped into the bathroom, alone, to fix her makeup. Well, she thought she was alone. 

Hearing retches, muffled sobs, and coughing, Chandler knew it had to be some nobody trying to botch themselves to look like her. Though, Heather listened nonetheless. Leaning onto the dirty sink, Heather began to touch up her makeup. The person in the other stall seemed to stop, and all Chandler heard was heavy breathing.

 

Until, the unknown person retched again, startling Heather, and causing her to fuck up her eyeliner. Way to go, No- Named kid!

"Oh my  _God_ _!_ Can you please  _shut up?"_ Heather hissed, a slight growl in her voice. Filled with annoyance, Heather began to work on her makeup again, only to be met with.

 

"Sorry, Heather!"

 

Chandler froze. Whipping around, and shoving the stall door open, she was met with a horrible sight. There sat Heather Duke, fingers down her throat, and tears in her eyes, and sweat beading down her forehead. Chandler knew she shouldn't care about the people she was "friends" with, but this was a horrific situation. Chandler stared, and Duke stared back with wide, scared brown eyes. Wiping her mouth, Duke shuffled closer to the bathroom seat, flushed with embarrassment. "Sorry,  Heather." She repeated.

 

Chandler lifted her arm up to say something, but then let it back down again. "S-So, this is where you've been going after lunch." Chandler croaked. Duke slowly nodded, and looked away, wiping the tears from her eyes. Chandler felt her throat close up- feeling like she would be crying in a moment or two. Sure, she the Queen Bee, feared by all, but Chandler was still human, and so was Duke.

How long?" Was all she could manage. An overwhelming feeling of guilt surged through the red-clad girl, causing her to nearly stumble over, and join Duke on the floor. "S-Since we were fifteen," Duke replied. Chandler was taken aback by this information. How could she not have noticed? It was so,  _so_ obvious! The way Duke's voice cracked, the way she sometimes clutched her throat. Chandler always assumed it was because of going out with one, or maybe more guys at a time.

That's when Chandler's knees buckled, and she was brought to the floor with Duke. Duke stared at her, like a deer in headlights. Clutching the fabric of her skirt, Duke blinked. "Are you- are you mad at me?" She asked quietly. This was a whole new side of Duke Chandler had never seen before. She looked so innocent and scared, so tired and sad. Not bitchy and jealous, like she always was. Chandler shook her head slowly and tapped her nails on the floor. "I'm just... I don't know what to call it. Not angry. Well, maybe a little angry, but only at myself."   
   
Duke's eyes widened, more than they already were, and she leaped to Chandler, wrapping her arms around her. Allowing her sobs to be muffled by Chandler's blazer, Duke regretted this. Stopping after about five or six seconds, Duke pulled back, shaking slightly.

 

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that-" Duke rambled. Chandler stared at her with dumbfounded eyes, and looked away. Then, Chandler reached out and pulled Duke back into a hug.

  
"It's okay, it's okay, it's okay that you did that." Chandler replied gingerly. Squeezing her arms around Duke, she allowed the girl to sob into her blazer. Duke lifted her head up.

 

"I'm sorry I keep doing this."

"Doing what? Crying?"

"Nuh- uh. P-Purging." God, the name felt  _so_ ugly on Duke's tongue. Duke debated on telling her  _why_ she did the awful things that she did. 

"It's okay. You really need to get a doctor though."

"I will- it's just- things are  _so_ hard at home- and- and ever since I came out-" Duke cleared her throat. Fuck. She never really came out to Chandler, did she? Though, Chandler didn't really care.

"Your parents were rough on you, weren't they?" Chandler finished, rubbing small circles on Duke's hunched back. Feeling Duke nod in the crook of her neck, Chandler exhaled.

"They called me things like- like worthless. Dumb. Fat." Duke cringed at the word  _fat_. Though Duke was dangerously skinny, that comment stuck with her. Every single night, since Duke had come out, she'd spend countless hours with fingers down her throat, sobbing.  _Fat. Worthless._ Those cursed words rang in her head, louder and louder each night.  _This is what you want. This is what you want._ This  _will fix you, you worthless whore._ The beast in her mind roared louder and louder each day, now controlling her every single move. Duke hated herself, and her body. These rules, these laws she made in her mind-  _You won't eat. You can't eat. You'll get fat. You'll get ugly._

Lack of nourishment allowed this beast in her head to control her. At least, it told her she was in control. Every time she emptied the small amount of food in her body into that cursed toilet bowl, it would praise her, commenting on how in control she was. 

This would make her happy, she thought. This- erasing the evidence that she ate at all- would make her happy. 

  
Snapping back to reality, Duke let out another sob. Her mind was so foggy, not just because of the malnourishment, but also because of how horrible and ugly she felt like this. 

"You need to break this cycle." Chandler finally mumbled, after minutes of silence. Had it only been a few minutes? It felt like years, months, hours. Or was it only a breath? "This really, really isn't healthy for you. This won't make you skinny- you're beautiful as is."

  
Duke choked up on the word  _beautiful._ She only ever heard that from coaxing jocks, who shoved her head down in order for them to get off. Chandler was silent, and so was Duke. 

 

The beast in Duke's mind seemed to awaken at this. 

_You aren't beautiful. At all. Chandler doesn't love you. It's one sided. It's hopeless. You're hopeless, you disgrace._

Duke hoped this voice was wrong. She prayed, she hoped her prayers would be answered. Shaking, Duke pulled away, missing the warmth of Chandler's neck. Looking up at Chandler, tears pricking at her eyes again, Duke inhaled.

 

"Do you- do you still like me?" Duke longed to replace that  _like_ with  _love._ Too bad she wasn't worthy enough to be loved by anyone, besides drunk jocks. "Even if I'm-" A disgrace? A disappointment? A freak? "-a bulimic?"

"Of course,  _of course!_ Why wouldn't I?" 

That's when Duke made the mistake of letting it all out.

"Because I'm a dyke? Because I'm a disgrace? Because I'm a huge, horrible, fuckin' mess?" Duke rambled on, her eyes staring at the door behind Chandler, not wanting to meet her eyes.

"Heather."

"Because I'm a disappointment? Because I'm not picture perfect, like you? Becau-"

" _Heather."_ Chandler grasped Duke's shoulders, causing the green-clad girl to flinch. "Stop. Just- Shut up, Heather! You're fine- you're perfectly fine. You aren't any of what you described. Stop saying all that stuff about yourself.  _Please,_ just stop saying it! Because it's not true!"

 

Duke exhaled, wiped away a few tears, and nodded.

 

"Thank you. Thank you. I-I love you so much!" Way to go, Duke!

_Idiot!_

_Idiot!  
_

_Worthless-_

"I love you too, Heather.

**Author's Note:**

> GAY


End file.
